Fathers' Day bittersweetness

This post is a hard one for me to write, but an important one.

Franz and Cyprian left for Wisconsin at 5 am. on June 14th to work on the fenceline at my parents' farm. Driving our farm truck, they had a little delay in Virginia when the truck tire went flat. There was a nail in the tire. This is the fifth time we have had a nail in a tire, again likely due to my boys and their building projects out in the driveway. Thankfully it worked out that there was a shop close by, and the tire got fixed. With them driving straight through all the way to Wisconsin, I got a text around 2 am. on Tuesday that Franz and Cyprian had made it safely to Grandpa Klein's.

Just ten minutes before that I had received a text from my dear friend that her mother with cancer had died at the hospice center. It was a night that I spent in prayer and meditating.

All was going well at Kleinshire. The boys and I were keeping busy with chores and projects. I weeded a lot of the garden. I pulled out all the posts and stakes from the peas and mowed down the section of the garden that was done and overgrown with weeds. I took to cleaning the side of the garage where brush and leaves and random things had collected. I felt good, and I was drinking plenty of water.

Thursday night June 16th in the evening I started to have a pounding headache. I put the boys to bed early and went myself. I woke up with out the headache but I was starting to bleed. The Saturday before Franz left I had taken a pregnancy test and it was positive. I felt things were not quite right. So I got in touch with my midwife. At that point we determined that I had a threatened miscarriage. So, I was suppose to take it easy.

That in-and-of-itself was an overwhelming thought. I had a box of cucumbers and heads of cabbage sitting on our table that I had just picked from our garden. I was going to make dill pickles and raw sauerkraut. I stood staring at the box after getting off the phone with a friend who also advised me to take it easy. Realizing how much I wanted our baby to be okay I started trying to figure out what I was going to do. I had the boys watch some TV. Then while Chrysogonus napped I also tried to rest. I had some spotty bleeding and a little clotting but nothing real heavy. I got in touch with our friends who are our farm helpers when we are away. I asked them if they could do the all the animal chores, while I did just the milking of the goats. They sweetly and quickly agreed. Then the next morning Saturday another wonderful person and her son came out to play all morning with the boys, so I could rest. That evening I had been invited to a Moms' Evening Out. I felt that it might be a good idea to go and relax and enjoy an evening out with other moms. I already had a babysitter lined up. So, my sweet babysitter was dropped off by her mother, and I explained to them what was happening.

I went and had a very enjoyable evening. Next day again after asking for some help with kiddos while going to Mass I had more wonderful people and friends offer help. When I finally arrived home after running some errands, I called Franz to talk. I had to cut our conversation short because I was feeding the boys a late lunch and they were grumpy and starting to fight. After tucking Chrysogonus in for a nap, I took a pregnancy test, and it was negative. Now, up to this point over the last week I had taken four different test and they all had been positive. It hit me so hard seeing the the negative test. I maybe cry once or twice a year. Well, I started balling. I called my Mom, who told me I should call Franz.

I had been trying so hard to be strong, and now I felt completely beat. It took a bit, but I finally got to talk to Franz. I told him he needed to come home. Meanwhile shortly after getting off the phone with Franz, the friend who had come Saturday morning with her son called and asked if I wanted company. It was a God send. She came with her mother who had been a nurse. They watched and entertained the boys while I milked goats and tried to rest. I was emotional, and I was dreading the idea of spending a night alone without knowing what was happening. I finally with encouragement made the decision to go to the emergency room. This was because at this point I was not feeling well, I had a terrible headache and nausea, and my shoulders hurt. I had had an ectopic pregnancy after Cyprian and before having Clement. So, I was concerned about a possible ectopic pregnancy.

The awesome friends agreed to follow me to Wake Forest, where other friends had graciously agreed to keep the boys overnight while I went to the emergency room. The friend who followed me with her mom, dropped her mother off and drove with me to North WakeMed, staying with me the whole time and lending her wonderful presence and support.

Franz and Cyprian were catching a ride first with my brother and his family from my parents' farm to Madison. In Madison Franz's brother drove Franz and Cyprian to Chicago, so that they could catch an early morning flight out.

In the emergency room it was determined that I had already miscarried. There was nothing retained, and so I was free to go home. So, at 1 a.m. my friend and I headed to her place, which was not far from where the boys were staying. The boys were asleep, so I decided to stay at my friends till the boys woke up in the morning and then go pick them and my van up.

Again the awesome friend followed me and the boys home. She stayed and played with the boys while I again milked goats and tried to rest with Chrysogonus at nap time. This same friend when Franz and Cyprian were close to arriving at the airport went and picked them up.

Now that Franz and Cyprian are home I am trying to process the loss of our little baby. This time has showed me many blessings through all the worry, anxiety, and sorrow. I pray God blesses those who have showered us with prayers, love, and kindness.

I believe our miscarried baby is a girl, and we have named our little one Anastasia May Klein. Now we have two angel babies. So, as hard it is, I am thankful for another little one in our family tree.

Being a Father takes a strong man. I am thankful for my husband and his presence. It was a bittersweet Fathers' Day for us.